Friday, July 01, 2005

Classic Podium Humor by James C. Humes

Sometimes you have lighten up your literary diet so to speak. So here's my version of junk food.

I was driving on a back road in [insert some backward state] and I stopped and rolled down the window and asked a boy on a bridge with a fishing rod, 'Tell me, how far is it to Mill Hall?'
'Well', said the boy, 'the way you're going its about 24,996 miles, but if you turn around its about 4.'


An American GI from WWII goes on a long train ride that is quite full. He finds a 6 person compartment with only 5 people in it, and 1 Pekingese dog occupying the sole remaining seat. The GI politely asks the dog owner if he may remove the dog so he can sit and rest, especially given the long journey. The lady replies 'I find you Americans very insolent.' The GI waits a while and asks again, 'I wouldn't mind having that little tyke sitting on my lap, but I just got to sit down.' The lady responds, 'I find you Americans not only insolent, but arrogant.' After another few minutes, the GI says 'I'm asking you for the last time to please move that dog or I will.' The lady retorts, 'I find you Americans not only insolent and arrogant, but downright obnoxious.' With that the GI picked up the dog, opened the window, threw it out of the train, and promptly sat down in the now empty seat. The others in the compartment were aghast with the sole exception of an elder British Major who was observing the whole incident. He chimed in 'You Americans do everything the wrong way I'm afraid. In driving you, you drive down the wrong side. In eating, you pick up the fork with the wrong hand. And then, to top it all off, you go and throw out the wrong bitch.'

Churchill: 'To premier Stalin, whose conduct of foreign policy manifests a desire for peace." Then away from the translator he muttered, "Yeah, a piece of Poland, a piece of Romania, a piece of Czechoslovakia..."

Churchill: "I get my exercise being a pall-bearer for those of my friends who believed in regular running and calisthenics."

Churchill: "Democracy's the worst form of government except for every other form that's been tried."

Churchill: While at a function with the Methodist Bishop of Calgary. A young woman appeared with a tray of sherry, which Winston could not help but to indulge. The young woman then offered a glass to the Bishop, who was insulted at the offer and said curtly "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than take an intoxicating beverage!"
Churchill immediatly turned to the now disheveled young woman and said 'Come back here lassie; I didn't know we had a choice!"

Churchill: When Churchill was first a candidate [circa 1900], he went door to door. Upon coming to the home of a relatively grouchy fellow, he was greeted by 'Vote for you? Why, I'd rather vote for the Devil himself!'
'I understand', replied Churchill. 'But in case your friend is not running, may I count on your support?'

Churchill: Churchill once attacked Lady Nancy Astor for being an 'appeaser' of Hitler, since she was a strident critic of his war efforts. On an occasion where the two were present at a coffee reception, the acid tongued Lady Astor grabbed the coffee pot and poured Churchill a cup while saying 'Winston, if I were your wife, I'd put poison in this coffee.' Churchill took the cup from her, and before sipping, replied 'Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.'

Churchill: At a formal dinner, the dignataries were asked 'if you could not be who you are, who would you like to be? Many before Churchill picked folks like Caesar, Napoleon, Einstein, etc. When Churchill's turn finally came as the last respondent, he rose and gave this answer. 'If I could not be who I am, I would most like to be' - he paused to take his wife's hand - 'Lady Churchills 2nd husband.'

Churchill: Before giving a stump speech in front of a large partisan crowd, someone handed him a large envelope. He opened it up to find the word 'FOOL' written in large letters. He looked over the crowd and said, 'This is most unusual. I have just been given a message which consists of but one word - the word 'fool'. Most unusual. I have often heard of those who forget to sign their letters with their name, but this is first time I have ever heard of anyone who signed his name and forgot to write the letter.'

When a mother asked her son what he learned today at Sunday school, the boy regaled her with this story. 'You see Mom, there were these Israelites and they were trying to escape from the bad Egyptians, and the Egyptians chased them right to the Red Sea. So Moses, their leader, took out his walkie-takie and said 'Chief Engineer build us a pontoon bridge.' And build it they did, allowing the Israelites to cross. Soon after the Egyptians started to come over the pontoon too, so Moses picked up the walkie-talkie again and said, 'Chief Engineer, dynamite the pontoon bridge', and the Egyptians went down in the ocean. The incredulous mother asked, 'Is that really what the teacher told you?'
'Nah, but if I told it to you the way she told it to me, you'd never believe it!'

"A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer" - Robert Frost

An attorney was preparing a will for an old, nearly blind woman. He charged her $200. Upon completion she paid him in cash, but handed him 3 $100 bills by mistake. Immediately the attorney realized he faced a crushing ethical question: should he tell his partner?

A man saw an ad for a late model sports car for sale for only $50. Thinking it a misprint, he called about the ad, and to his astonishment he learned that the ad was legit. Without a moment's hesitation, he hustled over to the home where the car was being sold, and was greeted by a woman. The car was in the drive way, and it ooked fine. He handed her the $50, she wrote a reciept, gave him title and the keys, and she was about to go inside when the man's curiosity finally bubbled over, 'Lady, I gotta ask why you are selling this car for only $50 when it is worth many thousands?'
'It's quite simple actually' said the woman. 'My husband died recently, and in his will he directed that I sell the car, but that the proceeds go to his mistress.'

"An honest politician is one who when bought stays bought." - Simon Cameron (who?)

Upon Arizona's birth as a state in 1914, its Sr Senator had this to say "Mr. President, the baby state I represent has the greatest potential. This state could become a paradise. We need only 2 things - water and lots of people." Another Senator interrupted and added "If the Senator will pardon me for saying, that's all they need in Hell."

"The problem of poverty on the farms of America is low income." - Nelson Rockefeller

A tourist is a person who travels to find things that are different, and then complains when they are. - Anonymous

I like to explore new opportunities and ventures just like Christopher Columbus. He set off not knowing where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And he did it all on borrowed money. - Anonymous

"Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you find the real tinsel underneath." - Oscar Levant (who?)

The portly Alfred Hitchcock ran into the thin vegetarian George Bernard Shaw at a buffet dinner. Hitchcock turned to Shaw and said 'To look at you, Mr. Shaw, one would think there was a famine in England." Shaw glancing at the heaping portions on his inquisitor's plate shot back 'And to look at you, one would think you had caused it.'

A diplomat is one who can hold his tongue in several languages.

Please answer the following questions with the first thing that comes into your mind:
1. What is it that a man does standing, a lady sitting down, and a dog on three legs?
2. What is it that a dog does in the back in the back yard that produces something you would not care step in?
Answers: Shakes hands, digs a hole. What were you thinking?

3 college buddies were playing a game of saying what they would like to see if they were told by a doctor that they only had a month to live. The first said, I want to see Italy, eat the food, view the sites, la dolce vita, etc. The second said, I want to go to Paris with my girlfriend and romance her one last time. The other 2 turned to the last, and asked 'What do you want to see?', and he replied 'Another doctor.'

During a price war, an airline introduced a special 1/2 fare for wives to accompany their husbands on trips. Anticipating testimonials for publicity, the airline sent out letters addressed to the wives of travelers asking them how they enjoyed the promotion. Reponses are still pouring in asking 'What trip?'

A senator seated next to then President Taft [who was quite fat], commented to the President 'Do you know what you're expecting' while pointing to the President's ample stomach. Taft stood and replied 'If it is a girl, I shall name it after my charming wife and helpmate for many years. If it's a boy, I shall claim the father's prerogative and name it after me. But if, as I suspect, it is only a fat bag of wind, I shall name it after you my dear Senator.'

A devout Jew was yelling outside the synagogue "Moses was a schlemiel!". The rabbi came out and compelled him to stop "Why do you profane the memory of our great leader?" The protester said "Why? Well for 40 years he kept the children of Israel wandering in the desert, and then he finally brought them to the only Middle Eastern country without oil. That's why"

Lincoln: "The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly."

Lincoln: "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, afterwards keep them half shut."

Franklin: Ben Franklin became quite portly later in life and it was said that in Paris a young woman, tapped him on his protruding abdomen and said 'Dr. Franklin, if this were on a woman, we'd know what to think." Franklin replied, "1/2 an hour ago, Madam, it was on a woman, and now what do you think?"

Franklin: Why I prefer the charms of older women: They don't tell. They don't yell. They don't swell. And they're grateful as hell."

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